June 2013

This month marks a year since I had decided to write a blog and share my experience as a middle-aged woman going through a separation, and now a much anticipated divorce.

It has been quite a year, and it just keeps getting a little more interesting with each passing day.

I'm still legally married.  I'm still in our house. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened, and just when I think there is nothing else that I'm going to have to process, something new is served up on a platter of trash.

This month has been filled with huge revelations, and it's only the middle of the month.

My daughter has known since November that her married father has been having an affair. She felt that, as the adult, her father should be the one to tell his wife that he was seeing someone new before he was divorced. Unfortunately, she was expecting too much from a man who lies as a way of life, and who was no character.

I just found out this month that he has visited my daughter twice since January, and he wasn't alone. The first visit, he showed up with his girlfriend, without taking the time to mention to my daughter that he was bringing this person. On the second trip he showed up with his parents and his diamond-engagement-ring-clad girlfriend. Again, his plans were vague, and he certainly didn't have the courtesy or the courage to mention to my daughter that they were engaged.

My immediate reaction was anger, not because he chose to end our 21 year marriage for another woman, and that he lied to me for almost two years about it, but because he and his parents thought that this was a perfectly acceptable thing to do to my daughter.

This was the kick in the pants that I needed to finally realize just how disturbed this man and his parents are. For a year and a half I kept thinking that he was suffering from some trauma, and I kept asking him to talk to someone and get some help. I thought that he needed to work some things out and he would come to his senses, but as it turns out, the only thing he needed to work out was to get my daughter to tell me what was happening because he wasn't man enough to do it himself, and how to try and ease his guilty conscience about being such a jackass.

The one thing that I would like to impart on the women out there who might be going through something similar; listen to that inner voice that is trying to guide you. Women are very smart, and we know when something is off. We just don't always pay attention, or we try to rationalize what is happening.

I knew deep down, as soon as I saw my husband get off the plane from Iraq a year and a half ago, that everything was different between the two of us. He denied, denied, denied and denied again that there was anyone else, but I knew there was. I just hoped that I was wrong, so I held on to that sliver of hope. By doing that, I was holding myself back from moving forward while he's just been having a grand old time.

Now that the truth is out, I've finally been released to move on.

A new man in my life.

On May 13, a new and exciting man entered my life. He is such a gentleman, and I'm so happy that we met.

It was a chance meeting. He was relaxing after a long day at the office when I walked in and our eyes met. I do believe it was love at first sight.

I tried not to show my interest, but he saw right through me. I invited him home for dinner the following evening, and he accepted. I was giddy with happiness.

We tried not to get too serious too quickly, but he had my heart, and I asked him to move in. I can't remember when I have had a man in my life that is so easy to get along with, and who I know I will be able to love and trust for the rest of our natural born lives.

I would like to introduce you to Nagasaki, who I affectionately refer to as Mr. Chunk.

Our first chance meeting. He was taking a break after a long day.

He came for dinner.

We stayed up late talking. He is so easy to talk to, and what a great listener.

We are able to have long, meaningful conversations.

He is always willing to help me get my work done.

And he is sooo laid back. There is never any pressure!

Good morning world!!!!

I had a day of revelations yesterday. All my suspicions and theories of the last year and a half were confirmed. I lived with a functioning pathological liar and narcissist. 

What he has done to me, he did to his first wife twenty-two years ago. 
 He's got problems and I wish he would go get some help, but he believes all of his lies. I'm sorry that I was the target of his manipulation because it would have been interesting to watch this whole saga unfold as an observer.

I'm actually relieved that it's out. What I'm most upset about is that he put Jane in the middle of this, probably hoping that she would spill the beans so he didn't have to. He is a coward.

It's a woman he went to high school with who has been sending Christmas cards to us since we were married. She's going through a divorce - - probably prompted by their reconnection, and she has two or three boys. I don't know if they had been in communication before he went to Iraq, but he did admit that they exchanged "a couple emails" while he was in Iraq.

The opportunities to tell the truth, to right a wrong, but he is just incapable of doing the right thing. He even admitted to me recently that he can't do the right thing.

So, now that I have moaned and groaned about my marital situation, which I wasn't going to do anymore (it's almost over), I thought a happier, more upbeat topic was in order.

Sharing and venting.

The sharing part . . .

I posted this picture earlier on my FB page, but my daughter was not happy about the way her hair looks (I think it's pretty!!), so I took the picture down. But I really wanted to share this moment in time because my family looks so happy and healthy in this picture. This was 2007, before our life started to crumble.

I keep thinking, "The Way We Were"

The photo made me smile when I found it, and it is relevant today because my daughter is wearing a shirt that we bought at Old Navy - - now the place of her summer employment. I thought she would get a kick out of seeing it - - wrong again!!!!

I realized that this was the final year that we were happy as a family.

It was almost exactly a year from the time this photo was taken, in 2007, to the time my husband's career started to eat us up. It slowly nibbled away until there was nothing left of him, and consequently, nothing left of us. He denies that this was a pivotal point, but I believe it was, and I'm sorry that I didn't insist that we seek help. Hindsight, as they say.

The venting part . . .

We are still married in the eyes of the law for another few weeks, but my husband has so successfully removed himself from any connection to me that if they gave out awards, he would be the big winner. He made a fifteen-hour road trip recently, which I just found out about, to the DC area; went to visit our daughter, but failed to mention any of it to me. That is such an incredible disconnect, that it makes me shudder.

We still own a house together. He has left me here (probably thinking how lucky I should feel) to manage, pay for, and care for, all on my own. He refuses to help with the maintenance or to contribute to pay for help. He wants profits from the sale, but he doesn't want the burden or the responsibility until then. For him not to have called to ask if I needed any help, or to mention that he visited our daughter, is the perfect example of who he has become.

I keep finding myself in situations where people want to have their cake and eat it, too, and screw anyone that may get hurt. I'm tired of being treated with such disrespect.