How long does it take . .

SATURDAY, JUNE 30, 2012

I just watched an old episode of Grey's Anatomy where McDreamy is making his choice between Meredith and his wife of eleven years. He says to Meredith that his wife is his family. That there have been eleven Thanksgivings, eleven birthdays, eleven anniversaries, and he can't just make a snap decision to give it all up.


The scene really hit me because my husband and I have had 21 Thanksgivings, 21 birthdays, and in two and a half weeks we will have had 21 anniversaries. How do you make the snap decision to walk away from that?


I keep thinking of things that my husband has taken care of in those 21 years.


Today my daughter and I did post-storm cleanup. He would have taken care of that.


I got a glass of water from the refrigerator, and realized I don't know how to change the water filter. He takes care of that.


It's time to renew the family membership at BJ's. Do I keep it, cancel it, or see if they have a single person membership?


When do the tires need to be rotated, and the oil changed in the car?


Who do I put down as an emergency contact on medical forms?


How do we handle Parents' Weekend at our daughter's school?


All the things that couples share, chores that each one takes care of, events that come up. These are all things that I didn't think about right away, but the longer we are apart, the more I'm realizing how intertwined our lives became over the years.


How long does it take until you aren't turning around to ask your spouse a question, and realize they aren't there anymore?

Posted by Eva at 9:28 PM 2 comments:  

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Summer Vacations

FRIDAY, JUNE 29, 2012

I remember taking winter and spring-break family vacations as a teenager, but I don't have memories of summer vacation trips. There was always so much to do in our little waterfront village, that it would have been a shame to leave it to go on a summer vacation.


When I got married, and we had our daughter, we took a few planned vacations, but it never became a family tradition, or something that we looked forward to each summer. 


When we lived in California, and our daughter was about five, we took a vacation to Disneyland. For that trip we put our dog, cat and hamsters in a kennel. It was such a bad experience for them (and for me because I couldn't relax) that our poor dog had nightmares for a year. From that point on, I would never leave them in a kennel, so we either had to find someone to stay at the house with them, or take them with us in the RV that we bought second-hand so we could do just that.


Weekend trips and camping became our getaway of choice.


Being an Air Force family, most of our moves took place during the summers, so planning, packing, and making multiple trips to a new homestead filled many of our summers. 


When we moved to Maryland, we found a petsitter that we could count on, and we took two, three or four day trips to New York City, but again, not a summer vacation.

2006 Christmas Trip to NYC

Central Park.

I regret that we didn't make the effort to plan more trips, especially summer trips. I am probably to blame for that because we had so many animals (three large dogs, a cat and a 20 gallon tank of fish), and I just didn't like leaving them. As I got older, and made numerous attempts to stop smoking (yes, I finally succeeded), and got into ruts, I put on weight and didn't want to go anywhere where a bathing suit was the recommended attire.

Although it was always difficult for us as a family to make decisions about what we wanted to do, and where we wanted to go, I either couldn't relax enough to let it just happen, or I didn't work hard enough to make it happen.

As I look at photos of other people's current summer vacations, and I know that this is probably the last summer I will home my daughter home, and my family is in pieces, I regret that we didn't make summer vacations a priority.

Posted by Eva at 10:50 AM No comments:  

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What is it that's thicker than water?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27, 2012

As a mother, it's hard for me to imagine not being in contact with my child, and not wanting to spend time with her. I love doing things with her and sharing adventures. Yes, we have our off moments, but I would never choose something else over spending time with her.


Is it different for men? Do men not have the same feelings of connection and closeness to their children?


Relationships are so difficult, but if approached with an open mind and an open heart, even the most difficult relationships can be worked out. The key is that the people involved in the relationship have to really want to make the effort. If there is no effort extended by one person, there is no desire from the other person.


If my child chose not to want to spend time with me, I would be crushed, and I would want to know what made the child feel that way.


All relationships need constant work, and once you are unwilling to put in the work, the relationship begins to die. It's very sad when this happens, and even sadder when you see it happening to people you care about.


Blood is thicker than water, but I think that some blood has been watered down.

Posted by Eva at 6:38 PM No comments:  

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Pay now, or pay later . . .

MONDAY, JUNE 25, 2012

When it was decided that we were going to separate, and ultimately divorce, I decided that I wanted to have legal representation. 

I talked to some people who had recently gone through this nightmare of emotions, decisions, planning - - and legal advice.

There was an attorney who sounded perfect. I sent him an e-mail and he wrote back right away and instructed me to call the office and make an appointment.

When I called, the receptionist was very understanding and calming. She made the appointment, and then before hanging up, told me that the attorney charges $450 an hour, was that okay? I said yes, immediately trying to figure out how I could talk fast and get everything said in less than five minutes.

I drove for over an hour to see this very special attorney. When I got there the receptionist greeted me with a big hello and an even bigger hug - - no I had never met her before.

She got me a cup of coffee, and as I was taking my first sip, she said, "Can you pay me now, just in case you don’t like the attorney," and then she said, "Oh, you'll love him." Warning flag number one, but I pretended I didn't see it.

I handed over my credit card, and like magic, the attorney appeared. 

I did like him. I felt, finally, like I had someone on my side. We only talked for about 20 minutes (I didn’t get a refund for the unused hour). Before I left, he said, we won't do anything right now since everything seems to be working smoothly with the arrangement my husband and I had, but that I could call or e-mail anytime I had a question.

I left the office feeling better than I had in weeks.

Well, as it often does, questions arose. I sent my $450 an hour attorney an e-mail and asked my question. I didn't hear from him for two days, so I called the office. My best buddy receptionist didn't answer the phone. Another woman, who was not my best buddy, answered, and when I asked if I could speak with my knight in shining armor, she acted like I was some nobody off the street trying to squeeze my way into the club house. She said that she didn't know if I could speak with him, and she just couldn't tell me if he would even be in the office. What did she mean she didn't know if I could talk to him or whether he would be in the office?  Don’t $450 an hour attorneys need to account for their whereabouts? It was like a covert mission, that I wasn't a part of. Warning flag number two.

About an hour later, I received an e-mail from covert mission control and was told that I needed to sign a retainer and send $5,000 before I would be able to speak with my mystery man. 

My reply was not warm and fuzzy, and in about ten minutes I got an e-mail for the man himself saying he didn’t understand why I was upset. I fired my big time attorney who turned out to be a flimflam man.

I did some research trying to find another attorney who I felt could handle writing a separation agreement and take care of the divorce. After another week, I settled on a local attorney. I got to talk to him for an hour without having to pay a penny!!

After doing some thinking, and talking to my husband, I decided to use the local attorney. I made another appointment and told him what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. Again, I spent about 45 minutes with him at no charge - - also no activity. He didn't want to take my money if my husband wasn't going to sign an agreement. Now I'm wondering if he's too laid back for the job. Warning flag number three.

Again, I talked to my husband, and he said he didn't have a problem signing an agreement. 

I made my third appointment with the local attorney, and we had a long chat. I gave him all my information from my little purple folder that I had been carrying around for about a month. He asked questions and took notes. I gave him information, cried a little, told him what I wanted and we seemed to be on the same page. This time I didn't have to pay until AFTER we talked. 

He shook my hand and said that he would put a draft together and that it would probably only take a few days. 

A week and a half later, after my third call to the office, I got an e-mail from the secretary with the draft agreement attached.

It was a form agreement where you fill in the blanks and add your own information. The secretary had put it together, and then the attorney supposedly looked it over for errors. I read it and immediately thought that I should have paid myself because I was going to have to make so many corrections. Some of the incorrect details made me wonder if I really had a conversation with this man, or if I dreamt it.

I'm not sure what the moral of the story is except to pay attention to the warning flags - - they are trying to tell you something!!

Posted by Eva at 9:04 PM 1 comment:  

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Leave it to the Russians

SUNDAY, JUNE 24, 2012

Since joining the gym this spring, I've been hearing the word, kettlebell, so I looked it up, and this is what I discovered:

Kettlebells where used in ancient Russia by men wanting to show their strength and endurance. It was after WWII that weight lifting became popular in Russia and other countries. In the 1960's power and strength contests took place in schools and universities using kettlebells of varying weights, but official rules and regulations differed among venues. 

It wasn't until the 1985 that a kettlebell sport committee was formed, and national rules, regulations and weight categories were set up. Also in 1985, the first National Championship of USSA was help in Lipetsk, Russia.

In 2000, kettlebells were introduced in the United States, and in 2002 they were declared, the "Hot Weight of the Year" by Rolling Stone.

This brings us to today where there are classes at the gym dedicated to kettlebell workouts. My workout buddy, and daughter, has suggested, very strongly, that we attend one or more of these classes. This is the same workout buddy and daughter who talked me into attending my first yoga class. In yoga you are lifting and manipulating our own body weight. In a kettlebell class, you are working with added weight. Since I had trouble getting around for two or three days after yoga, adding additional weight to my workout is slightly intimidating.

Yesterday, we went and purchased our very own kettlebell, weighing in at a whopping 15 pounds.

A kettlebell is supposed to work all muscle groups, and most importantly, your core. So, last night I lifted and squatted with our new, shiny kettlebell, and this morning - - sore muscles.

I'm not sure how long it will be until I'm brave enough to attend a class without fear of dying, but I will just keep swinging our 15 pounder and see what happens.

Posted by Eva at 11:59 AM 3 comments:  

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The principle of counting to ten.

SATURDAY, JUNE 23, 2012

Deep cleansing breaths, and counting to ten. That's what you do when you are trying to stay calm. I've been doing it a lot lately, and just when I think I'm calm, irritation returns to get my shackles up again.

People's memories, expectations and interpretations of events and conversations are often very different. Even when you think you know a person so well, and you just know that you're on the same wavelength, you are often shocked to discover that  - - you are not!

This phenomenon is not isolated to just friends and acquaintances, but crosses over to family members as well, and before you know it, everyone thinks everyone else is overly sensitive, unreasonable and irrational.

Deep cleansing breaths, and counting to ten is much better for your mental and physical well being.

Posted by Eva at 6:32 PM No comments:  

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One small step for me . . .

FRIDAY, JUNE 22, 2012

For twenty years, I have had a partner that I made plans, and took road trips with.


I've never been a fan of driving. It has always made me nervous, but I worked my way through it when I had to. When I got married, my husband seemed to enjoy the task of driving, so it always seemed like a good fit.

When our daughter went off to college, we, as a couple, took her to her first dorm room, moved her in, and helped her set everything up. Leaving her alone in a strange place nearly broke my heart, but having someone to share the experience and the drive home, helped to ease the pain.

I've since made the trip on my own to visit our daughter while my husband was deployed, but I had become so dependent upon him that I had nearly crippled myself. I would get so anxious at the thought of taking a long trip on my own that I would be physically ill.


Today our daughter had to go to school to take a final exam. It was one of the first times in my married life that I planned a trip without even consulting my husband. He was not a part of the equation at all.


Our daughter drove the three hours to school, and I was her navigator. The trip was relaxed and filled with conversation and laughter; two things that I now realize have been missing in our road trips.


When we got to our destination, I took the car, did a little tour of the town, went to the bookstore, got a pedicure, walked around the pond on campus and then met our daughter. On the trip back, I was the driver and she was the navigator, and she told me all about the exam and an interview she had for an internship, and again, there was conversation and laughter.


I am really going to miss her when she goes back to school, but I'm learning that I can once again be an independent woman, and that makes me happy.

Posted by Eva at 9:17 PM 2 comments:  

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Once acquaintances find out . . .

THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2012

I have been amused by the way "friends" have interacted with me once they found out that my husband and I separated. I'm not talking about close friends or family, but people who have been a part of our military life.


Military wives always talk about how close-knit the military is, and how they feel safe and connected when they are with other military families. I don't know if it is because I have been so much older than most of the couples we have socialized with, and therefore they haven't been able to connect with me, but I have never felt safe and connected to them.

There is one wife with whom I became the closest, and who I felt a connection. I looked after her when her husband deployed, and I took in her dog as my own for two weeks so she could go on vacation with her husband while he was on R and R.


When my husband deployed, I think I heard from this friend once. Now granted, she has four children and is very busy with the church, so it's hard to find time, but a quick e-mail once in a while would have meant the world.


This friend's husband called my home about a month ago, originally wanting to talk to my husband who was long gone. He wanted to ask my husband (it seems so wrong calling him that now) to preside over his retirement ceremony. The invitation was extended to our family, but once he found out (no, my husband was still wearing his wedding ring, acting like nothing had changed and hadn't mentioned to anyone that we separated) that my husband left me, my invitation was withdrawn, and I haven't heard from him or his wife since.


His wife was kind enough to tell my husband at the retirement ceremony, that she has been thinking about me, and he should tell me to call her anytime. My husband can't even answer a text message, and I would never have gotten that message if I hadn't asked how the retirement went when he made an appearance a couple of Saturdays ago.


Needless to say, I've received more support and compassion from my hairdresser.

Posted by Eva at 4:59 PM 5 comments:  

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Twenty years and eleven months . . .

SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 2012

This is how it all started. 

At 35, this was my first marriage, and my 23 year old husband's second marriage. I don't think his first marriage lasted more than six months. 

There were a lot of signs that this relationship wasn't going to end well, but it took twenty years, with a deployment to Iraq to bring it to a very unhappy end.

I lived through infidelity,  hostile in-laws who disapproved of me, long stretches of time when I was home alone with a child, and moves every one to four years from one end of the country to the next.

I will admit that there were more times than not that I was unhappy. I lived with a man who became increasingly more withdrawn and unhappy with himself. A man who was incapable of showing emotion except in writing. 

Over the years he did some very sweet and kind things. But in those years he was also out of touch with his wife and his daughter.

Posted by Eva at 7:08 PM 3 comments: