It isn't a deep, dark problem, or a dilemma that needs to be worked out, it's self preservation and not wanting to be caught in a lie.
Holy s**t, why did it take me so long to figure it out!?!?!?
Friday, December 28, 2012
Ding, Ding, Ding!!!
By keeping silent and not communicating, the chance of slipping and saying something you want to keep secret is reduced.
It isn't a deep, dark problem, or a dilemma that needs to be worked out, it's self preservation and not wanting to be caught in a lie.
Holy s**t, why did it take me so long to figure it out!?!?!?
It isn't a deep, dark problem, or a dilemma that needs to be worked out, it's self preservation and not wanting to be caught in a lie.
Holy s**t, why did it take me so long to figure it out!?!?!?
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Enough. Enough.
How does a person take a situation, scramble it up, turn it to crap, and then feel justified for doing it?
How do two people share the same beliefs for so long and then turn out to be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum?
Why can't I get beyond the hurt, see this man for who he really is, and move on?
Why does it matter that he can't respect me enough to communicate with me?
This all came to a head again today because he's been in the area, and he was at the house. I tried to talk to him, and what he does is trivialize everything I say. He tries to make it seem that he has my best interest at heart, but does he?
It seems because he doesn't live here and doesn't have the daily responsibility, nothing concerning the house is very important, and everything can wait. This is a man who spent much of his free time working around the yard and the house. Did he do that because he took pride in our home, or because he didn't know how or didn't want to interact with his family?
When I tried to talk to him today about his relationship with our daughter, he told me that I set the rules for the holiday, and he respected that, but he wanted to take her to his parents' house on Christmas day to celebrated and enjoyed the holiday. What he was saying was that I deprived him of Christmas with his daughter. But now that he has time to spend with her, he doesn't want to. He spent the day with her yesterday, but he's leaving tomorrow to visit those long lost aunts.
It doesn't seem to occur to him that he was the one who broke up our family, and the one who chose to move to Alabama without his family.
Today, I gave him the power, once again, to turn me inside out while he walks away carefree. That's enough. It's time to stop letting this happen.
For some help and insight, I looked up the five stages of grief. Although they are talking about the physical death of a loved one, I feel that I am grieving the death of a relationship and lifestyle with a loved one. I'm hoping that I am finishing stage four and working my way to stage five. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I don't want to write about it anymore. I want to move on. I want to experience the sense of independence, hope and anticipation of new things to come that I was feeling before this holiday season started, and before he stepped back into my world.
It's time to work the "program!"
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
How do two people share the same beliefs for so long and then turn out to be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum?
Why can't I get beyond the hurt, see this man for who he really is, and move on?
Why does it matter that he can't respect me enough to communicate with me?
This all came to a head again today because he's been in the area, and he was at the house. I tried to talk to him, and what he does is trivialize everything I say. He tries to make it seem that he has my best interest at heart, but does he?
It seems because he doesn't live here and doesn't have the daily responsibility, nothing concerning the house is very important, and everything can wait. This is a man who spent much of his free time working around the yard and the house. Did he do that because he took pride in our home, or because he didn't know how or didn't want to interact with his family?
When I tried to talk to him today about his relationship with our daughter, he told me that I set the rules for the holiday, and he respected that, but he wanted to take her to his parents' house on Christmas day to celebrated and enjoyed the holiday. What he was saying was that I deprived him of Christmas with his daughter. But now that he has time to spend with her, he doesn't want to. He spent the day with her yesterday, but he's leaving tomorrow to visit those long lost aunts.
It doesn't seem to occur to him that he was the one who broke up our family, and the one who chose to move to Alabama without his family.
Today, I gave him the power, once again, to turn me inside out while he walks away carefree. That's enough. It's time to stop letting this happen.
For some help and insight, I looked up the five stages of grief. Although they are talking about the physical death of a loved one, I feel that I am grieving the death of a relationship and lifestyle with a loved one. I'm hoping that I am finishing stage four and working my way to stage five. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I don't want to write about it anymore. I want to move on. I want to experience the sense of independence, hope and anticipation of new things to come that I was feeling before this holiday season started, and before he stepped back into my world.
It's time to work the "program!"
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Lucky number 13
I have been trying to analyze why I had been dreading this holiday season. Why the pain has been so strong and so fresh.
Christmas morning I had a pain in my heart because there was no acknowledgment of the day from my husband. I just have so much trouble understand how 21 years of holidays can be forgotten and tossed aside as if they never happened. Is it an inability to express emotions? Is it a fear that I will interpret any expression of kindness as a gesture to rekindle a romance, or is it just poor manners?
Our daughter and I spend Christmas day together, and she really made an effort to help make it a fun and pleasant day. We opened presents, she made pancakes, we watched "A Christmas Story" at least three times, we visited and fed the geese, we went out to get dinner, we saw "Les Miserable," and we ended the night by driving around neighborhoods looking at light displays. It was a really nice day.
Today my husband stopped by to spend the day with our daughter. He came into the house and gave me a hug, but once that was over, he reverted back to the person I have come to know over the last year.
Instead of spending a few days with our daughter, who will be here until January 2, and who he may not see again for months, he says he's going off to visit long lost aunts on Friday. This is an activity I find incredibly bizarre, but I tend to think that other "plans" might be more likely. Either way, his priorities seem to be out of whack.
After looking at all of this, and analyzing what I can, I have determined that it's not that this man isn't going to be in my life that is causing the pain, but that it has been so easy for him to cast aside our life together and giving it absolutely no credence. I think once I can get beyond the disrespect, the pain will begin to go away.
Our daughter reminded me that 13 is my lucky number, so bring on the New Year!!
Christmas morning I had a pain in my heart because there was no acknowledgment of the day from my husband. I just have so much trouble understand how 21 years of holidays can be forgotten and tossed aside as if they never happened. Is it an inability to express emotions? Is it a fear that I will interpret any expression of kindness as a gesture to rekindle a romance, or is it just poor manners?
Our daughter and I spend Christmas day together, and she really made an effort to help make it a fun and pleasant day. We opened presents, she made pancakes, we watched "A Christmas Story" at least three times, we visited and fed the geese, we went out to get dinner, we saw "Les Miserable," and we ended the night by driving around neighborhoods looking at light displays. It was a really nice day.
Today my husband stopped by to spend the day with our daughter. He came into the house and gave me a hug, but once that was over, he reverted back to the person I have come to know over the last year.
Instead of spending a few days with our daughter, who will be here until January 2, and who he may not see again for months, he says he's going off to visit long lost aunts on Friday. This is an activity I find incredibly bizarre, but I tend to think that other "plans" might be more likely. Either way, his priorities seem to be out of whack.
After looking at all of this, and analyzing what I can, I have determined that it's not that this man isn't going to be in my life that is causing the pain, but that it has been so easy for him to cast aside our life together and giving it absolutely no credence. I think once I can get beyond the disrespect, the pain will begin to go away.
Our daughter reminded me that 13 is my lucky number, so bring on the New Year!!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
There IS light after a setback.
I have been away from the blogosphere for far too long, and I apologize, but I have had a few setbacks in the process of my personal healing.
About a month ago I got a case of sciatica that just knocked the wind out of me. Pain doesn't usually slow me down, but this stopped me in my tracks. I went to my primary care provider and his solution to my back, hip and thigh pain was to send me to a podiatrist - - REALLY??
I found a wonderful Chiropractor who has brought me back from the unrelenting pain, but unfortunately, my insurance doesn't cover chiropractic care, so now the pain is in my bank account - - sigh!
That was just the beginning of my current journey. My next hurdle was a bit more tragic in nature, and it was at this point that I came to realize how I had been putting my energy and well being into the wrong hands for a very long time. The ones who truly love and care for me, I was keeping at a safe distance, not letting them into my private world for fear - - fear of what I'm not sure. Possibly disapproval or rejection, or the false belief that I was doing it for my family.
My fear has been unfounded, because I have been introduced to the people who really care, and who really are there when I need them the most. These aren't new people to my life. They have been there, just waiting for me to see the light.
Forgive me for being so selfish and unwilling to share myself completely, but I think I'm on the road to awareness and sharing. For those of you who have reached out to me since my world turned upside down, thank you. If I haven't reached back yet, I'm sorry, but I'm on my way. Please keep your hands extended because I need them more than you know!
About a month ago I got a case of sciatica that just knocked the wind out of me. Pain doesn't usually slow me down, but this stopped me in my tracks. I went to my primary care provider and his solution to my back, hip and thigh pain was to send me to a podiatrist - - REALLY??
I found a wonderful Chiropractor who has brought me back from the unrelenting pain, but unfortunately, my insurance doesn't cover chiropractic care, so now the pain is in my bank account - - sigh!
That was just the beginning of my current journey. My next hurdle was a bit more tragic in nature, and it was at this point that I came to realize how I had been putting my energy and well being into the wrong hands for a very long time. The ones who truly love and care for me, I was keeping at a safe distance, not letting them into my private world for fear - - fear of what I'm not sure. Possibly disapproval or rejection, or the false belief that I was doing it for my family.
My fear has been unfounded, because I have been introduced to the people who really care, and who really are there when I need them the most. These aren't new people to my life. They have been there, just waiting for me to see the light.
Forgive me for being so selfish and unwilling to share myself completely, but I think I'm on the road to awareness and sharing. For those of you who have reached out to me since my world turned upside down, thank you. If I haven't reached back yet, I'm sorry, but I'm on my way. Please keep your hands extended because I need them more than you know!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)