Two hours later . . .

I thought I was going to make a quick call to my banking institute to make arrangements to have IRA's and mutual funds transfered from one broker to another. What I learned was that there are no quick calls when accounts and money are concerned, and I think my brain has been on vacation for the last fifteen years or so.

Before I got married I was a business executive. I kept track of hundreds of thousands of dollars, knowing what inventory was bought and sold, what percentage of markup was assigned to items and what the profit margins were.

Because I had the business background, I naturally took over the family finances. I took care of the debt that came with my husband, and kept track of the monthly spending. This was short lived. After paying off debt several times, my husband continued to create debt and, after a while I got tired of making calls to my broker asking for money to pay down bills. I told my husband that he could take over the finances.

Although it released me from the daily money worries, I am now discovering that it was a very foolish move on my part. I never paid much attention to where money was or even how much we had. I kept an eye on what was left of my investments, but other than that, I left the majority of the responsibility to my husband. He became very responsible with his finances. He got us out of debt - again, and I was feeling comfortable that we were financially secure.

Now that we are separated and I am having to take over the mortgage, car payment, daily living expense and my own investments, I am finding out that my financial savvy is very rusty, and I'm feeling terribly unsure and insecure about what I'm doing.

I know that it is going to work out in the end, and I will get my footing back, but my lesson in all of this is that I should never have given up my independence and become so reliant on someone else. It was very, very foolish of me to have gotten complacent and let someone else make financial decisions that concerned my daughter and myself.

There are no guarantees, especially where relationships are concerned. Never again will I relinquish my independence and financial decision making powers.

"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!!!"

Breaking the rules . . .

I spent the day scanning and retouching old family photos. My daughter and I had gone to visit my family last week and we came home with bags upon bags of old photos. I have pictures going back to the early 1900's

After about four hours of scanning, I was ready for a break. We grabbed the camera and the keys and headed off to the Wonder Bread Discount Store to get two loaves of bread.

When we got to the pond, our usual pond buddies were on the opposite side, but it only took the rustling of the bread bag to get them to take flight and to swim across the pond.

We fed some of the ducks while we waited for the other crew to get to our side of the pond.

While I was taking pictures, I realized my daughter was standing next to the sign that gives clear and concise directions to the pond guests. The ducks and geese never mentioned this rule, and they were very happy to polished off two bags of bread in about fifteen minutes.

To see some of the feeding pictures, you can go to:

http://www.evalightfootphotos.com/Birds/July-29-2012-The-Pond/24462400_xzQQwG#!i=1995751252&k=FsnGRCC

You can see the old family photos at this link:

http://www.evalightfootphotos.com/Family/Scanned-Family-Photos/24425900_pXpJ5H#!i=1993130327&k=bdHLfTN

Picking up the Child

We arrived just as the plane was to land, but of course, there was a delay. Here are some pictures of how I shared the wait time with my husband. I even had to buy my own coffee. 

If he could have gotten any farther away from me without leaving the building, he would have been happy.

While we were waiting, there was a young man anxiously waiting for the arrival of someone special. 

I remember when I was met at airports with that same look of love. 

And then my Child arrived!!!!!

And when she saw us she was just as excited!!! 

 

Mother and son.

      Taking a picture of The Child with her sign.

 Wanted to be sure she could find her parents:-))

Father and daughter.

Presents from daughter to father.

One week later . . .

One week ago, I put my child on a plane to Paris with her paternal grandmother. This was a trip that I had great apprehension about, especially after my husband and I separated.

This would be only the second time my daughter had spent more than four hours alone with her grandmother, so I didn't quite understand why my mother-in-law was so insistent that this trip take place.

My husband made arrangements not too long ago for the three of us to go and get our passports. (After getting them, I wondered if the big push was because he knew his mother wanted to take our child to Europe.) I thought it would be the beginning of some family trips.

Well, as we all know, life doesn't usually go as planned, and the only one who took a trip was my husband - - to Iraq. Once he returned, no other trips were destined to be.

I bought my daughter an iPhone before she left on her trip with her grandmother. She and I had a yard sale this summer to pay for it, and as it turned out, it was the best purchase I ever made. She was able to text every night to give me blow-by-blow accounts of her adventures. 

The experience taught us two things; 1) it is a challenge to travel with someone you know little or nothing about, and 2) you don’t really get to know someone until you have shared four walls with them.

This was not the dream vacation my daughter was hoping for, but it certainly turned out to be very illuminating.

Separation Etiquette

Today is the day I have been feeling apprehensive about for the last three months. 

Twenty-one years ago today was my wedding day, and it started in a hot air balloon. It was my wedding present to my soon-to-be husband. 

It was a magical morning. It was dark when we got into the van that took us to the launch site.  My fiance helped set-up the balloon and the basket, and just as the sun was coming up, we were aboard the craft and beginning our ascent. 

I remember there was mist on the ground, it was cool and so quiet - - except when the pilot filled the balloon with hot air, or was telling us where we were, or what was going to happen.

The chase van picked us up in the middle of a field and took us back to The Boar's Head Inn for champagne. When the pilot learned that we were on our way to get married, he said that we should have told him while we were in flight - - he would have married us. I occasionally wondered what it would have been like to have had him perform the ceremony. Would things have been different?

When we returned to my home to change for the scheduled ceremony,  my fiance's mother arrived. I was still upstairs changing when she got there. When I came downstairs I was hoping that my fiance would be surprised and happy when he saw me, but instead there was an awkward introduction to his mother, and then all of his attention focused on her.

Our ceremony was scheduled to take place in the court house. We parked and walked two blocks to the court house. Instead of walking with me, my fiance and his mother walked together in front of me. I'm not sure why warning bells weren't going off in my head, but I remember feeling very inconsequential on my wedding day. 

We decided to have the ceremony outside. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, my family was there, and I was getting married.

After a very low key, unceremonious but lovely lunch at The Boar's Head Inn, we kissed everyone goodbye to begin our life together.

Today I've been wondering about "separation etiquette" and what is the proper thing to do when you are still a couple, but living apart. Do you acknowledge special dates, or pretend they don't exist? My husband does the latter and he has done this for every important date for the last nine months. I'm not sure how or why he has turned off all courtesy and emotion, but he has done it with great skill. 

I think, whether or not there is any written etiquette regarding this subject, you have to follow your heart and do what you think and feel is right. I can't pretend that this person hasn't been an important part of my life, especially this early in the separation process.

An Eventful Week

July 11 we took our daughter to the airport so she could fly off to Paris with my mother-in-law - - a trip I have been dreading since January, but even more so after my husband and I separated.

I felt that I should have been the one to take my only daughter on her first trip abroad, but she didn't seem to be bothered by it, so. . .

I let go and sent her on her way, and hoped she would have a good time.

And down the stairs they went . . . 

The morning of July 12, I had a dentist appointment to repair a cracked filling. He convinced me that I didn't need Novacaine, so I let him drill into my tooth and then fill it in - - no pain medication needed!!! I didn't have to dribble coffee down my chin all morning. I liked it!!!

At about 2:30 PM I was on the phone with my attorney going over last minute changes in the separation agreement. While I was on the phone, it beeped to let me know there was an incoming call. I thought I could get off the phone in time, but I couldn't, and the phone beeped again. By the time I got off the phone, my husband walked into the house just in time to hear the message from our child who was just the slightest bit upset. She couldn't get her phone to work and she didn't seem to be getting any sympathy or help from her grandmother. 

We called Paris and spoke with her. By the time we got her on the phone she was back in her room and calm. While I talked to her on our house phone, my husband called Verizon on a cell phone to see what they could do to correct the problem. About fifteen minutes later all was well and everyone's phone was working - - crisis averted!! Now she is able to communicate with me and give me blow by blow accounts of how things have been going. Let's just say, I don't think grandmother and granddaughter are going to BFF's by the end of the trip.

At 4:00 PM we were at the attorney's office getting last minute questions answered and papers signed. Seems like there should have been some sort of fanfare or champagne, put instead, we each got a copy of the agreement, and off we went.

Although this is all still very sad, it now seems real, and there is a strange sense of comfort not being in limbo anymore.

My husband was here today to start packing his things. I looked in the closet tonight and cried, and then quickly spread out my clothes to fill in the empty space.

Before he left, we worked on bank accounts, moved things around, and divided the financial responsibilities. Closing or suspending joint accounts was like taking the training wheels off, and becoming a big girl again!

Today was Bastille Day in France and a new kind of Independence Day in Maryland.

Let the healing begin . . .

SATURDAY, JULY 7, 2012

You can't spend any time with someone who claims that time already spent has been a lie.

You can't help someone who denies they need help.

You can't pull someone close who has regressed to the point of being unrecognizable, and only wants to be in the arms of their childhood.

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil

From Other/Fun

I have to say goodbye and walk away.

I have never been very good at walking away. I like to fix things, but there are some things that just cannot be fixed.

Yesterday, I spent several hours photographing a family who was forced to say goodbye to a beloved family member, and then they had to walk way after their goodbyes.

While I watched this family and their friends, I kept thinking that they will never see this person again. Their goodbyes are forever.

The tragedy of the moment made me thankful that although I have to say goodbye, I will still be able to see the person I'm sending on their way. They will be out of sight but I know that at any point I could see or speak to them again.

The problem - - they are creating a situation that is not conducive to any kind of long lasting relationship. So in the end, I too will probably have to say goodbye and walk away forever.

Posted by Eva at 6:43 PM 2 comments:  

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July 4, 2012 Fireworks

WEDNESDAY, JULY 4, 2012

Well, I wasn't in my car in a parking lot, but there was a parking lot right next to me. I actually had a very good spot that I didn't have to share with a lot of people. I didn't stay for the entire show, but I stayed long enough to get some good shots.

My daughter didn't want to join me, but she is old enough to stay home alone. I guess I'm going to have to get used to doing things on my own.

Happy Independence Day

July 4, 2012

When my daughter was nearly three, we were living in Georgia - - the place of her birth. There wasn't a lot to do in our small town and one of our favorite things to do was go to WalMart and play in the toy section. She would find something that delighted her for five minutes and then she would put it back on the shelf.


When our little town got a new WalMart things really started to get exciting. Not only could we go to play in the toy section, we could go grocery shopping as well. WalMart was THE place to be!


In 1995 my daughter and I were alone for the year, in our little town and in our little house.

This was taken on July 3, 1995.

For two years, we had gone to our old Walmart parking lot to watch the fireworks. I had never watched fireworks from my car in a parking lot before, but it was where everyone met with their lawn chairs and coolers and settled in for thirty minutes of splashes of color in the night sky and loud booms.

On this fourth of July, in 1995, the gathering place was in the parking lot of the new WalMart. I was so excited. My daughter and I got there early, found a place to park and then went into WalMart to do a little shopping. We got some snacks and I got a book to take home after the big show. 

I remember is was very hot and very crowded, and there was a threat of rain, but we had our spot and we were ready. We waited, and we waited and finally the first big BOOM!!!

Someone was not impressed by the crowds and the booms and wanted to go home!!!! NOW!!!

The booms had always been my favorite part. When I was young, and we watched fireworks in our little town, the kids would get as close as possible so we could feel the boom in our chest. Apparently, I didn't pass that gene onto my child - - home we went.

This sort of activity was more to her liking.

We are alone again in 2012, for the second July 4 in a row. Our choices of firework displays are a little bigger now. We may still have to be in a parking lot, but it won't be a WalMart parking lot. This year it might be a baseball stadium parking lot.

Because my husband doesn't want to talk to me, and my daughter doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I don't think either one of them is happy about being apart this year. She will be with me watching fireworks, and he will be watching baseball and fireworks with his parents. 

I have tried to teach the two of them that communication is the key to happy relationships, but in 21 years I haven't been able to get that point across. So now, I will wait for another holiday to come and go, and I will take my child to a firework display that she probably would rather not go to. My gratification will be photographing the display. Something good will come out of this day, come hell or high water!

Happy and Safe Independence Day to all!!

Posted by Eva at 11:11 AM 2 comments:  

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July 2, 2012

TUESDAY, JULY 3, 2012

Where does time go? I can't believe that it is already the 184 day of the year - the halfway point for 2012.

July marks nine months since my husband returned from the Middle East and our life started its turn in an unwelcome and unfamiliar direction. When things are unhappy and painful, nine months can seem like a long time.

This month, my husband and I will mark (separately) our final anniversary as a married couple. 

In August our child will return to school to begin her junior year, and we will celebrate her twentieth birthday. My husband will leave for the south to finish his last two years as a member of the Armed Forces, and I will be looking at my options for starting a new career.

The three of us are all handling this new reality in different ways. I have been extremely emotional, incredibly angry, uncontrollably sad, and afraid of the unknown that is right around the corner.

Our daughter has felt as though she has been put in the middle of the situation, and has been very uncomfortable with my emotions and anger. Not knowing what to do with her own feelings, she has had outburst of anger, but then quickly apologizes. She has been very protective of me, but would prefer not to be involved.

My husband has removed himself from the chaos he has created, and has begun his life as a single man. He has been taking care of his own needs and feelings, and acting as though there is no family that he is leaving behind.

I am puzzled and intrigued by the ease of my husband's ability to wash his hands of his family, and move on. Will we all be able to do that? 

I can't help but wonder where we will all be this time next year.

Posted by Eva at 1:02 AM No comments:  

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