Another OMG Moment

Only minutes after posting my blog about communication, my husband called to try and discuss some things to help me make sense of why we are where we are.

He asked where we should start, and I said that I needed to understand what happened and why. He started off by saying that he never wanted to hurt me, so I immediately think it's because I am no longer the thin beauty queen I used to be (I never held that title, but I wasn't bad to look at).

While he was overseas he says he had time to think about his life, and he decided that he was just settling, and that he didn't want to settle anymore. Did he mean he was settling for a lifestyle he didn't want (this wasn't my choice of lifestyles), or was he settling for a fat wife? Now, mind you, this is the first time I'm hearing this. At no point in the last two years has he said this to me. I had absolutely no indication that he was this unhappy. I didn't even have an indication that he was unhappy at all until one month before he came home. 

Then he begins to explaining what our fundamental differences are that he has been talking about but not defining. They are, family (his parents and brother and his brother's family), his career, and raising our daughter (who is now 20 and finished being raised). He is now claiming that he didn't agree with how I handled some situations while she was in high school, but he never once, at any point in time, lead me to believe that he disagreed or disapproved. As a matter of fact, he was the one who said she had the behavior of a sociopath, but that has slipped his mind, and he is now saying that she is perfectly normal.

Okay, his parents and I never got along, and they were always a thorn in my side. They treated me like the nursemaid, someone they had to tolerate in order to see their son and first born grandchild, and they were very unkind. My husband never stood up to them and corrected the situation, so their behavior never changed. I believe he thinks I am to blame because I never accepted them.

His career. I will admit that I was not a good military wife. I didn't like it, and wasn't usually crazy about the people, but I played the game in the beginning. I would ask him if he wanted me to participate in things and he would say, "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do." He always made it seem unimportant, that he didn't want to participate either. He's now claiming that I was unwilling to socialize with his coworkers. He started naming people that he claims he wanted to socialize with, but I never wanted to be with - - they were people that we DID socialized with - - a lot, and some of them I considered friends. We ate out with them and went to their homes for dinner and they to ours. I have to think that he is talking about people that he worked with at the Pentagon where he was shuffled off to after he lost his job as a commander. I agree, I did not want to socialize with those people, but he spent time with them and they did things together that he liked to do.

Raising our daughter, well that is something that I was left alone to do on many occasions. When he was home, and had the opportunity to spend time with her, he didn't initiated anything, and when I asked him to do things with her, he would, but would get mad at her if she couldn't or wouldn't do it to his standards.

Later, as she grew up, the thing they did together was watch movies and memorize the dialog. He very rarely suggested anything for them to do. A few years ago my daughter wanted to have a father, daughter day, and she arranged for them to go to the driving range. He went, but didn't have fun and ruined her planned outing. The two things that he did do with her, in recent years, was to take her for sailing lessons which they did together, and he took her to New England to look at colleges. I think those may be the only true bonding times they had together.

He recently told me that he didn't believe I was going to get a business up and running because I was all talk and no action. This floored me. I couldn't believe he was saying this. I am the most determined woman he will ever meet. Tonight I asked him to explain what he meant. It turns out, I didn't lose weight and go to the gym as I said I would, and I didn't get a business started. Well, I did go to the gym when we were first married and I went to the gym after my daughter was born, and I got into the best shape of my life. In return, he had a yearlong affair (the relationship continued for many years after, but I don't believe it was physical - - only because they weren't in the same city.). After that it was always hard to get back into a routine, and I honestly had trouble getting motivated because I didn't have a reason to go. I gained weight after trying to stop smoking, and then finally stopping for good. I also developed a breathing problem that has never been resolved, and I packed on the pounds. He never had the courage to tell me I was fat, and he never went out of his way to help me.

As far as a business, I did have a business when we lived in New Mexico, and I had a steady little group of clients - - then we moved - - again! I'm guessing he is referring to starting a photography business, which wasn't anything that was even thought about until a couple of years ago, and at that time, I wasn't ready to sell my services. I was still learning what I was doing. He may also be talking about real estate. I took the class and got my license, but I decided I didn't want to do that, but I finished the class and passed the test. I think that's an accomplishment!

There are things in life that people talk about wanting to do, but things get in the way, life gets in the way, and those things either don't happen or they are put on the back burner. That doesn't make someone a failure, it means that it may not have been time, or it wasn't a true dream. Something that I found that my husband was unable to do was to shift from one thing to another. If something was discussed or planned, he couldn't alter those plans. He wasn't able to be flexible. Spontaneity made him uncomfortable, but I seem to remember that that was something he once appreciated in me. 

Then the final thing that drove him away was that we didn't have any common interests. I asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do with him that I didn't do - - he didn't have an answer. I asked him if he wanted someone to jog with him (I didn't jog when I could jog.) He said no. I told him that I would have done anything with him that he asked other than jogging and going to museums with his parents. He said he didn't think I would have, BUT he never bothered to ask. I have no idea what he wanted me to do that we didn't do. He did say about a year ago that I didn't like doing things like kayaking, but I do like that sort of thing, and we did it a couple of times. What he didn't understand, and still refuses to understand is that when you are overweight, getting into a tippy little boat is not very comfortable. It was another way for him to justify his decision to leave. I was uncomfortable so, therefore, I didn't want to do it - - incorrect!

So in closing, he told me that he had to leave or he was going to die. What do you say to that, other than, if it was sooooo bad, why would you not say something to your partner to let them know how miserable you are, and why wouldn't you make any kind of effort to try to correct things before they got to that point. I don't think I got a response to those questions. 

He told me how hard it was for him to leave, even though he spent six months taking care to finish projects and get everything in order. As soon as he finished his projects he announced he wanted a separation and then acted like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. I was no longer present in his life - - that's when I rather aggressively asked him to leave. He grabbed some things, went out the door, and never looked back.

My conclusion: He got a taste of freedom while he was overseas. It was the first time in his life he had been on his own and he liked it. He didn't want to come home to an overweight, middle aged wife, so he had to rewriting our history to justify his decision to walk away from a life that once was, and the promise of a life to be. I got the dirty work, getting him to this point, raising our daughter, making the endless moves, and now someone else can step in, or has already stepped in to reap the benefits. It has been his MO, to run away without looking back, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's done it again.

If he can sleep without a guilty conscience, then more power to him, but he has shown me in more ways than one that he is extremely shallow, he is incapable of a deep relationship, and it scared him to think that it was just going to be the two of us once he retired.

I didn't get all the answers that I needed, but I have a better understanding now and I'm hoping that's what I needed to let go.

A quote . . .

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.


Friedrich Nietzche

It takes two . . .

Through my digging out, and trying to reach the other side, while trying to beat the clock before the alarm sounds that my marriage is officially over, I have done a lot of introspection and dissection of my myself, my husband and our marriage.

I can't stress enough how important communication is in a relationship - any relationship. If this skill isn't practiced and nurtured, it can't develop into something that is valuable and workable once all the distractions are removed, especially in a marriage; children, pets, jobs, social commitments and any other things that we use as a way to comfortably not interact with our spouse.

My little feathered friends have learned how to communicate.

They are actually very good, and could teach us a thing or two.

Communication takes work and can easily be avoided, but the void will catch up with you down the road, and by then it may be too late. Once you learn how to get a dialog started, engage your spouse, and work on keeping the dialog open, the hardest work is done and the rewards will be immeasurable.

I wish someone had communicated this to us twenty years ago.

The Five Reiki Principled

BY DR.MIKAO USUI


I - Just for today, I will not be angry.
Anger at others or oneself or at the whole world, creates serious blockages in one's energy. It is the most complex inner enemy.

Reiki is an excellent tool to remove anger blockages which have accumulated in the body over years, but it cannot remove the residue of current anger which occurs daily.

Letting go of anger brings peace into the mind.


II - Just for today, I will not worry.
While anger deals with past and present events, worry deals with future ones. Although worry is not always a negative phenomena, endless worries may fill one's head, and each one bores a small hole in one's body and soul. While anger requires a focused Reiki treatment to remove obstacles, worry requires the energy to be spread throughout the entire body.

Letting go of worry, brings healing into the Body.


III - Just for today, I will be grateful.
Be grateful from your hart inward. Inner intention is the important element in this principle. Simple things as thanks, forgiveness, smile, good words, gratitude can improve others life and make them happy.

Being thankful brings Joy into the Spirit.


IV - Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Support yourself and your family respectably, without harming others. Earn a respectable living, live a life of honor.

Working Honestly brings Abundance into the Soul.


V- Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing.
Honor your parents, honor your teachers, honor your elders.

Being Kind brings Love into the Will.




2003 www.reiki-for-holistic-health.com
Brampton, Ontario, Canada

A three-day weekend - ugh!

It is the final day of a three-day weekend! Yay!!!

I used to look forward to weekends because there was the promise of family time.

Our weekends were usually filled with activity, but the family time that I think I remember wasn't as idyllic as I think I remember it to be.

Looking back now, I realize that a great many weekends in recent years were either filled with driving to extra curricular school activities, where bonding wasn't the top priority, or days filled with waiting for my husband to finish a project or finish working on the cars or the yard, all of which where solitary activities that may have been used as an escape.

I dread weekends now, and on this long weekend I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I dread them so much if I never really had the weekends that I had longed for.

Weekends have always meant family time, and I still see them as family time. Since my separation, I have felt terribly lonely, but the loneliness I'm experiencing now is different from what I can now see were lonely weekends even though there were two other people around the house.

I don't know if any of us are to blame, but it is clear to me now that none of us were able to ask for what we needed. Communication is so critical, and apparently, we as a family, never developed the skill.

Weekends will probably be lonely for a while, but now I think I have a better understand as to why they haven't been my favorite time of the week.

This weekend I did get to see Nanny, and I had a flurry of birds at the feeder, so there were only short periods of loneliness. Thank you, my feathered friends!! (Now I will probably be known as the crazy bird lady, as opposed to the crazy cat lady!)

Valentine's Day

I have reach a very significant anniversary, and I haven't turned to ash, so I think everything will be okay.

Valentine's Day was never a very important day for me, but for 19 years my husband took the time to make it a very special day.

Last year, when everything changed, I was very sad and very sorry to see a cherished tradition, and a meaningful connection and relationship disappear.

If I ever seemed to not appreciate the love that went into that tradition, I apologize. It will always be a happy memory

Today I will work on my ever growing to-do-list, meet a friend for a movie and dinner and then I will spend the evening with my 15 year old cat who might product a fresh hairball as a gesture of love.

Enjoy the day, appreciate what you have, and try to "be" without regret (that last one is for me).

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Chinese New Year

Another opportunity for a fresh start. For the Chinese New Year, you are supposed to clean your house of all the ills from the previous year by sweeping them out the door. Because it's so cold, I think I will do it metaphorically.

For my last day of the year of the Dragon, I entertained two furry babies. They weren't interested in doing anything constructive or productive. They were only interested in playing and eating, so that's what we did. I was able to get a couple, or three, good photographs of them while they ran around the backyard. It's been a long time since I've had a dog run around my backyard out of pure joy and entertainment. They really made me smile.

As much fun as it would be to have another dog fill my heart and my home, now isn't the time, but it's nice to know that I have friends who are willing to lend me a dog or two for the day.

Thank you for coming to play with me, Cooper and Coney!!

http://www.evalightfootphotos.com/Animals/Cooper-and-Conan-February-9/27940069_2QRLn6#!i=2358199308&k=StKPHnh

Cold, crisp air is good for the soul.

I filled my afternoon yesterday with cold air and animals. I had spent much of the weekend at home reading, so a ride in search of photo subjects seemed to be in order yesterday.

She kept a very close eye on me.

Why was there one mother and three calves?

 She almost looked like she was saying, come talk to me.

They didn't even notice I was there.

I have released the anger and the worry, and I'm enjoying my new found calm and enlightenment. I am relearning that I am capable and resourceful, and I am accepting that I need to take the time to work on me. 

I am also understanding that people need to handle things in their own way, at their own pace, with their own reality. And I'm realizing that not everyone who has been a part of my life will remain a part of my life, and that's starting to be okay. 

Communing with the great outdoors yesterday was good for my over worked brain cells.

There is a calm . . .

For more than a year, my life has been a roller coaster ride (I hate roller coasters). There have been very low dips and very high loops and turns.

I started reading "Divorce Hangover, A Successful Strategy to End the Emotional Aftermath of Divorce." I'm only about half way through it, but so far it has confirmed that what I've been feeling and experiencing is normal!

This whole process of healing has been quite an eye opener. I have been able to step back and look at things as an observer rather than a participant. I have been able to see things in a new light, and in doing so, I have been able to achieve a calm that I haven't felt in decades, if ever.

I can see the mistakes we both made in our relationship, and I can also see how others have played pivotal roles in my life and in our life as a couple.

Today is the sixth anniversary of my step-father's passing. I've been thinking about him today and looking at the life he lead. I can see parallels between him and my husband, and although there were distinct differences between the two men, there were many similarities.

My step-father stayed in a relationship that wasn't all together happy, but I think he got something that he needed from the relationship. My husband chose to leave, in search of greener pastures, but I hope that he, too, got something good from our relationship. Which man made the right choice? Maybe they both did. We all have to find the strength to do what's best for our own individual needs and well being.

I miss these two men who played such major roles in my life, and I wish happiness for them both.